Where I’m at right now.
November 15, 2009
I think you all need to know. Also I’ll add the word [Distracted] in between paragraphs when I realised I really didn’t want to write this and went off and did something else.
So many times I’ve opened up this stupid wordpress blog, logged in, wrote a sentence, and then closed the window. I just don’t think people need to know about all the things that I know and feel about things. And thats a pretty vague and stupid sentence I just wrote. So I’m going to try and suck it up and not let this new post become the 18th draft I’ve saved in the last 6 months.
Pretty much all of you know know the current work situation. I took some time to sit down to honest think where I’m at with both my career and emotional stability. I couldn’t help but remember the 5 stages of grief that is often associated with the prospect of dying. Looking at that there isn’t that much of a difference between the prospect of dying and the prospect of losing a job.
Just so we’re all on the same page here, below are the 5 stages of grief.
1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]
2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]
3. Bargaining — “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”; “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time…”[1]
4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die . . . What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]
5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]
[Distracted]
I think (if I’m being completely honest with myself) I’m pretty sure I’m bouncing in between stage 4 and stage 5. Wait. Probably 70% stage 4 and 30% stage 5. Thats not really bouncing in between. What I’m aware of is that when I’m in stage 4, I’m more of an asshat to everyone else. More than usual. The guys usually bear the brunt of this and I can apologise forever for it, but it really isn’t an excuse. One day they’ll have had enough and that will be that.
[Distracted]
Stage 4 definately feels familiar, maybe even comfortable to me. I’ve been there for so long, everything else seems strange.
I really don’t want to write this, so why force it. I hate this.
Protected: Things that you guys didn’t know but probably should have known before you chose to know me
February 22, 2009
The Goonies Drinking Game
February 15, 2009
Game Modes:
– Easy Mode: Rule 1 in effect
– Normal Mode: Rules 1 and 2 in effect
– Hard Mode: Rules 1 to 5 in effect
– Nightmare Mode: All rules in effect
Rule 1: Every time someone mentions One Eyed Willie or references him everyone takes a shot
Rule 2: Every time Mikey takes a puff of his asthma puffer everyone takes a shot
Rule 3: Every time Mouth brushes his hair everyone takes a shot
Rule 4: Every time Mikey uses the wrong words in a sentence or phrase everyone takes a shot
Rule 5: Every time Data’s gadgets fail everyone drinks takes a shot
Rule 6: Every time Chunk breaks something everyone takes a shot
Rule 7: Every time Sloth yells “Hey You Guys!” everyone takes a shot
Rule 8: Every time a trap is triggered everyone takes a shot
25 random things you probably don’t know about me
February 13, 2009
Did this on Facebook, thought it was ok enough to put on the blog
Rules: You are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose some people you want to find out more about .
1. I’m intensely private. I guess me doing this note thing means I’m becoming less private I suppose. Still pretty intensely private though
2. Last week I had a cigarette after a particular stressful playtest at work. It was just one and I haven’t had another one since, so don’t lose your minds.
3. I really hate how upper management works sometimes
4. I used to be an 8th grade pianist. Now I regret stopping because when I sit in front of a piano to see how I do now, my fingers feel like german sausages clumsily driving a tank into Poland
5. I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism for most things in life.
6. I wish I could read peoples behaviours and emotions better.
7. When people go out to a restaurant to have a meal and complain about stuff like the food being crappy or the service being crap it really annoys me. How about you realise how lucky you are that you are out in a restaurant and eating food with people that you like while people in other parts of the world are dying from starvation and get shot at.
8. People who swear in the presence of children are just embarrasing themselves. And they’re embarrased because I punch them so hard in the kidney they pee themselves. Also people who swear for the sake of swearing just to seem like they are bigger than they actually are make me laugh. Grow up you chumpsacks.
9. The day the project ships, I’m going to buy a $100 cigar and a fine scotch and smoke and drink in celebration
10. I hate the way I have to be polite to people in certain situations. I wish I could just say what I thought with no overhanging threat of repurcussions.
11. I am now eating an ice cream.
12. I may have regretted coming home. I haven’t decided on that one yet.
13. I love all music (except for country and opera).
14. My top 3 bands are NiN, Qotsa and Tool
15. When people first meet me, it’s usually not a good impression. I never know why.
16. When people start to get to know me, they think I’m a generic asian.
17. When people know me they know I’m not generic in any way.
18. I really don’t like to give or receive hugs. I’m not trying to be a dick about it, it’s just, nyehhh
19. I am now eating my second ice cream. I just really like ice cream ok? Don’t judge me!
20. A goal of mine is to have 3 square meals consisting of food made out of icecream or icey poles.
21. The only place where I would sing is in my car. While not at a set of red lights. Going 100kmph. Down an abandoned road.
22. My ultimate dream job was to be an F1 racer.
23. I have a condition called “Unabletofindmywayplaces-itis” This is a condition where I can’t remember any street names or road directions and I usually need a navigator
24. I have little to no tolerance for arrogant people
25. One day I hope to be a Producer working on a AAA project.
Dreams be messed up
January 28, 2009
So I’ve not been sleeping well at all. The reason for that is a recurring dream almost every night that I started having a couple of weeks after I came back from Brisbane. Firstly I have to say that I have absolutely no fear of flying. I love being on an airplane. Especially during take off and landing. But thats something else.
Anyway, my dreams start off at an airport. I have no idea what airport I’m at. I see the people who I know right now I’m hanging out pretty cool, having a chat and waiting for our boarding call. I look around and look at the other passengers when I realise all the other passengers are people I used to know or have met. Turns out I was pretty well off (somehow) and had paid for a trip to a surprise location. However people seemed to be extremely uncomfortable when I start talking to them. I remember feeling extremely confused as some people were extremely stand-offish and I couldn’t remember whether it was because I had done something to make them feel that way.
So the boarding call is announced and all of a sudden everything went quiet and everyone became still. I was confused. Lost. Suddenly, everyone started to move again to line line up in front of ticket counter. Their eyes just stared ahead. I was beginning to panic and started trying too ask people why they were being like that. They didn’t react to anything I did. I even punched someone in the face and they just stood back up unfazed, and got back in line staring ahead. The people checking the tickets however were all smiles and cheerfulness as though there was nothing wrong. The people in the que were eyes front and almost marching through the ticket counter.
All of a sudden I realise that I was yelling at the last person in line. However she does exactly as the others did before her. It’s my turn now and the ticket woman asks for my tickets. I yell and scream at her, but all she does is repeat the same thing “Tickets please, have a nice flight” over and over again. I yell louder. In a real world situation I’m sure she would have called security. I beg her to call security but she continues to repeat herself.
Deep inside, I know I shouldn’t board the plane, but the idea of leaving everyone on the plane and not finding out what was going on was not an option. I give the ticket woman my ticket and proceed through the boarding tunnel. I look out the windows of the boarding tunnel and there is no one outside. No trucks ferrying around luggage. No engineers performing final checks on the aircraft. No other aircrafts at all.
I find my seat on the plane, and everyone is back to their usual selves, except the mixture of fear/disgust permeates everyone of their actions when I try and talk to them. The seatbelt sign lights up and the pilot announces the takeoff. Everyone reverts back to their eyes front and silent mode. My unease increases as the plane speeds up, the nose of the plane aims towards the sun and I watch the ground beneath me move further and further away. The plane flies through clouds and I lose sight of the ground completely. I feel completely and utterly useless and a sense of foreboding grows.
Lightning strikes outside the aircraft. Turbulance increases and the plane begins to shake. The pilot announces nonchalantly that this is normal and all is well. Everyone is still in their emotionless face. Lightning strikes the plane and the plane begins to fall. The air supply units drop from the ceiling. I am halfway through frantically putting them on before I notice no one else is trying to put them on. I try and put on the air supply thing on the person next to me and the person next to them, but I can’t reach the person. I take of my air breather and seatbelt and move to try and put theirs on for them. It is difficult as the plane is shaking but I manage to do it. I move on to the next set of seats and do the same. Every single person on that plane has no reaction.
Another lighting strike and the plane drops further. I fall to the floor. I scramble towards the cockpit and open the door. The pilots do not have their hands on the stick. They are like everyone else on the plane, emotionless and staring forwards. I try to wake them up, yelling and hitting, it is useless. I try the radio, and I am replied with the hiss of static. We break through the cloud barrier and the deep blue ocean begins to rise towards me. I yell into the announcement phone to brace. And while I do this I turn to look back to the passenger section of the plane. No one is reacting, no one moves. I yell and I yell and I yell until my voice is hoarse. This is the loneliest and longest moment of my life. The plane begins to dip further and further. I grab the stick and try to pull the plane up. It is no use. The plane begins to bank right and the blueness of the ocean fills the right hand window. It gets closer and closer and I keep yelling and yelling.
Just as the plane is about to hit the water, I wake up.
Protected: Nobody gets in here.
January 20, 2009
Relaxed state in Holiday Stadium is ovarrr!
January 17, 2009
So today is the last day of my holidays. Tomorrow I will be back at work, where things are as uncertain as ever, and where I’m sure my stress levels will begin to rise again. But aside from that, I’m honestly looking forward to what this year at work will bring. As they always say, when life gives you lemons, jam the lemons in the eyes of your enemies!
So thinking back about this whole time over the holidays, I don’t think I’ve ever felt bored. Which is pretty awesome. I remember when I was back in highschool and on holidays and parts of uni holidays where I would be completely bored out of my skull. Bearing in mind that I was pretty poor then, so I couldn’t go out and buy things that I wanted or work on my hobbies. But then I would remember that there are other things to do, like play the piano, go for a walk, go for a swim etc etc. The options were there. I suppose thats why I enjoyed my Christmas/New Year break so much this time. Not only because I essentially had a month off (which I think I needed pretty badly), but because I was able to spend time with the people I enjoyed spending my time with. However at the same time I got the space that I need for me to be comfortable. And I can’t honestly remember whether I felt bored at any time during this period.
The lan was awesome! Got heaps of new stuff, made an ass out of myself in front of a girl (as per usual) and played games with the fellas. Highlight of the lan? I’d have to say my new computer (Big shout out to Mikky G! BTW grats on the JB job dude!!)
So I’m also looking forward to the weekend already, also for Australia Day so I can listen to the Hottest 100.
In summary: Holidays rocked the shit!
Protected: THUNDERPUSSY!
October 22, 2008
Ah nom nom nom
July 22, 2008
So 2 days at IZ now and I have to say, it’s pretty awesome so far. Everything is so different from my old company! Over here everything is so flexible unlike the old place which was “Lunch at 8:30 you got an hour, work starts again at 9:30″, unlike IZ it’s like “take an hour and a half if you want, just make it up later because generally it’s an hour.” I keep going to ask if it’s ok for me to go to lunch, but I keep remembering that I don’t need to do that anymore.
I went to my first meeting today and it was pretty weird, because I pretty much had no input. But all the other leads were there and everybody just talked about any issues they were having. And then I had to do my first Associate Producer stuff today. I had to talk to some of the Art people to get some concept art for the modellers in China. But yeah exciting stuff! It was pretty fun! And then I sent an email to try and organise another meeting with the QA manager and assistant manager just to sort out some stuff with em for next week. Hopefully it goes really well and there are no major poop ups.
So yeah! Thats the story! More stories later hopefully! All good I hope!
