Test Drive Unlimited

April 25, 2007

Test Drive Unlimited

Well, I have it. I bought Test Drive Unlimited. Some people might say I’m a little too addicted to driving games. Others might say “Cassul, why you gotta be a jerk?” and to them I say: “It’s because you’re a disgusting example of a human being and please, for the love of god, take a step back because you’re breathing out jerkon monoxide.”*

But yes! Back to the topic at hand. Many, many people have told me that TDU is a piece of crap (well, mainly two people) and after playing for about four hours now, I’d have to say those two people are wrong. So very, very wrong. I think the first point I should make is I’ve played 3.99 hours more than those people have and there I believe I am more qualified to have an opinion of such things**.

The first thing I did when I actually got into the nitty gritty of the game was go to the Ferrari car shop and test drove the Ferrari Enzo (read: fucking awesome). And by test drive the Enzo, I mean I literally sat in that virtual Enzo for the two minute time limit for the test drive just so I could bask in the virtual glow of sitting in a virtual Enzo.

After those two minutes were up, I went for another test drive in it, and this time I actually started the engine. Again for the next two minutes I sat there, with the hand brake on just revving the engine. It sounds exactly how I imagined my Ferrari Enzo would sound like. Then I took it for another test drive which this time around I actually drove the car. And boy, was it fucking great. I don’t believe I’ve ever had an experience where in any driving game where I’ve hit an object at 175mph and gone, “Holy fucking schnit, my Ferrari Enzo!” and actually winced. Unlike all those other driving games I’ve played and gone “Eh, no biggie”.

Now don’t think I’m just going to jack off the e-peen that is TDU. There are some majorly stupid things in this game. Like for example, there are missions which is basically Crazy Taxi. Pick up person at point A, drive as fast as you can to point B. But the really stupid thing about this, is that you pick up supermodels and drive them to where they need to be. And can you guess what the rewards are for these missions? Money you say? Virtual oral sex? Both incorrect. For completing these missions successfully these supermodels give you clothes stamps. And no you haven’t read wrong, I said clothes stamps, not food stamps. I find it ironic that in this video game, you have enough money to buy an exotic sports car, and an overly extravagant house to store said cars in, but you can’t afford to buy your own clothes and have to become some kind of fashion hooker to get your clothes fix. Also, thanks to the mod community I’m sure it’ll be exactly two seconds from now before a nude patch comes out for the supermodels in TDU. And do you know what I’ll say? I’ll say, look lady you’re naked, save those clothes stamps for yourself, you look like you need it.

I suppose if by any chance there are any young aspiring supermodels who live in Hawaii reading this blog at the moment, I think the lesson you should take from this is, always carry a big name brand shirt in your purse so that you can get free rides to places.

Don’t think it’s only supermodels who give out clothes tokens. TDU also encourages you to pick up hitch hikers. Yep, hitch hikers. They also give out clothes vouchers. Whenever I did one of these missions I always remember that part in Something About Mary where they pick up the hitch hiker with the really heavy sleeping bag. Ohhh also I almost forgot, while you’re in the in-car camera, you can look around, and you can see the supermodel or hitch hiker sitting right next to you.

The other thing that is completely stupid in TDU is the police reaction to you. You give another car a little love tap, and you’re down like Rodney King. However if you speed past them at Mach 3, they’re all like “This is Hawaii, go nuts on our roads with your exotic cars!” And I don’t know if it’s my incompetence, but once the police are on me, I can never shake them off, so I get fined about $15000 TDU dollars. I cannot stress how retarded this dumb policeman officer AI is. Completely. Fucking. Stupid.

Besides from these two very annoying and very stupid things, TDU isn’t really a bad game. It caters to pretty much all my driving game needs, awesome cars, high speeds, exotic locations, and more awesome roads.

Heh, I just thought of the kind of conversation a really rich person who would pick up a hitch hiker would have with the hitch hiker they just picked up.

“So where you headed, buddy?”

“The woods.”

“I hear it’s a great time to go hiking nowadays. I also can’t help but notice your sleeping bag is complete full with something strangely resembling a mannequin.”

“Yeah, umm, it’s the new model of mannequins for the goth/emo shop downtown.”

“Oh yeah! I totally went there one time … oh hey, do you mind you’re getting some kind of juice all over my leather seats.”

“Oh, sorry bout that, these new model mannequins need to look realistic, you know how goths and emos are. Self harm, whining voices, corpse juice, y’know.”

“Oh yeahhh I know exactly what you mean. Hey we’re here. But dude seriously, you got a lotta that corpse juice all over my seats.”

“My bad dude, have this pair of jeans I got from Levi’s, that should settle the score”

“…”

“What is that not good enough for you?”

“If I can buy a Ferrari Enzo, don’t you fucking think I can buy my own god damn pair of Levi’s jeans?! Hey wait! I’m sorry I was joking!!! Please don’t hurt me!”

*KNIFE-SPLOSION*

And that ends this episode of blogs. Don’t even think about knocking. I’m rockupied at the moment!

*(JO2 for you chemists out there).

** I have just been told that one of those two people actually played it for a little bit when the demo of it was released on the Xbox 360 so I guess now it’s more like 3.75 hours instead of 3.99 I suppose.

 

Dear Callers,

April 16, 2007

*note: I’ll probably have to be vague about names and locations in this post, but you can deal with it!*

On the behalf of myself and other Customer Service Representatives (CSR’s), when you “people” call and try to change your appointments at hospitals please abiding to the following rules:

1: When I pick up the phone, don’t start spewing all your details at me. For example:

*click*

Me: Hello, this is -bleep-, how can I help –

Caller: MY NUMBER IS P4986912, I LIVE AT 254 I-CAN’T-WAIT-TO-START-TALKING-STREET, JERKTOWN, 3132

Me: But Sir/Madam which department can I put you thr-

Caller: DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME?!?! BLAGERNERGHHHHHH!!

2: Please be aware that some places don’t open on your whim, or when you get your lazy arse out of bed. So when you call, expecting to be put through to someone at 8:00 on the dot, I can pretty much tell you that they won’t take your call until at least 8:30.

3: If you’re a drunk, please don’t call. Ever.

Why you ask? Here’s why. Today I spent 40 minutes talking to some drunk lady about the things that she needed to do before she came and did her thing. Even though, yes, it would have been the single most funniest call I’ve ever had while doing this job, it didn’t make it any less painful. So this lady, she needed to get to a certain place in Fremantle, so naturally I told her that after she got to Fremantle, she could catch the CAT bus to her destination. Now what she heard, was that she needed to catch a cat. Yep, catching a cat. Anways, she puts down the phone and goes and looks for a cat. Now she lives up north (north north north of Australia) so I’m not quite sure which rock she had to climb up to find a cat. So she comes back on the phone and lets me know she couldn’t “find no fucking cats for fucking freo”. At this point I tell her she does not need to catch a cat, but to catch a CAT BUS. Realisation seeps in to that blob of fat floating in a vat of alcohol underneath her skull and she finally realises what I’m talking about.

Ok, so now she wants to change some of her details regarding where she needs to be, so being the friendly CSR I am, I try my best to help her out. Now she wants to change the date of when she’s supposed to go in so that its on her “pay day”. You’re probably wondering why I used “” for pay day. This is because “pay day” for this women, is the date of her centerlink payout. Now I’ve got nothing against Centerlink payouts, I’ve had them also, when I didn’t have a job, but it’s not exactly a good reason for wanting to change details and so that you can come down to Perth and get pissed with your friends. At this point we’ve hit the 25 minute mark, and there are another 5 calls in the que, so I call my supervisor and she deals with her for the next 15 minutes.

OK, next rule.

4a: If you’re an old person/pensionor/old old old person, please speak up when I ask you a question and listen to what I’m saying to you.

4b: If you have a condition and you want to put off getting that checked out because you’re in a golf tournament, please decide which is more important to you. Winning a game of golf, or you know, DEATH.

I’ll be more specific in this example. An elderly man calls up and says he wants to change his appointment because he has a golf game. He’s quite polite, and I do the best I can. Now when I look up his details, I see his appointment is for his heart, regarding his PACEMAKER. I tell him this, and he goes “Are you sure that it’s really important for me to attend, you see, I’m in a golf tournament on that day, and I’ve already beaten the hard guy and now I’m up to playing this really easy guy.” So I basically have to draw him a diagram, basically it’s a picture of him in a coffin with a robot pacemaker punching out of his chest with a chat bubble that says “DAYUMMMM AT LEAST YOU WON THAT GOLF TOURNAMENT BUOOOYYYYYYY!” It’s probably good he went to his appointment, cos if he didn’t and he died, his gravestone better have said “Died at golf tournament because his pacemaker went rogue and punched a hole through his ribcage. His CSR warned him, but he didn’t give a fuck. Good riddance. Oh, he will be sorely missed.”

5: You women with the sexy voices, you know who you are. I know this isn’t really a rule, but come rap with me my brothers and sisters.

Please, You Women With The Sexy Voices (YWWTSV’s), I wish you would call less, it would make me spend less time wondering if you were attractive and whether you had brains or not. It also doesn’t help when my work place is filled with middle aged women, when every word you utter with that sultry voice of yours sounds so angelic to my ears compared the the “BOK BOK BOK!” (you know, the sounds that chickens make) sounds that the older middle aged women make when they are talking about their colleague who looked at them funny that morning.

But yes! Please abide by these rules, I would be very much grateful.

Damn you John

April 16, 2007

You made me lose my update.

Fucker.