Where I’m at right now.

November 15, 2009

I think you all need to know. Also I’ll add the word [Distracted] in between paragraphs when I realised I really didn’t want to write this and went off and did something else.

So many times I’ve opened up this stupid wordpress blog, logged in, wrote a sentence, and then closed the window. I just don’t think people need to know about all the things that I know and feel about things. And thats a pretty vague and stupid sentence I just wrote. So I’m going to try and suck it up and not let this new post become the 18th draft I’ve saved in the last 6 months.

Pretty much all of you know know the current work situation. I took some time to sit down to honest think where I’m at with both my career and emotional stability. I couldn’t help but remember the 5 stages of grief that is often associated with the prospect of dying. Looking at that there isn’t that much of a difference between the prospect of dying and the prospect of losing a job.

Just so we’re all on the same page here, below are the 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.[1]

2. Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.[1]

3. Bargaining — “Just let me live to see my children graduate.”; “I’ll do anything for a few more years.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, “I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time…”[1]

4. Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die . . . What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.[1]

5. Acceptance — “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.[1]


I think (if I’m being completely honest with myself) I’m pretty sure I’m bouncing in between stage 4 and stage 5. Wait. Probably 70% stage 4 and 30% stage 5. Thats not really bouncing in between. What I’m aware of is that when I’m in stage 4, I’m more of an asshat to everyone else. More than usual. The guys usually bear the brunt of this and I can apologise forever for it, but it really isn’t an excuse. One day they’ll have had enough and that will be that.


Stage 4 definately feels familiar, maybe even comfortable to me. I’ve been there for so long, everything else seems strange.

I really don’t want to write this, so why force it. I hate this.